Today is the day. I've been feeling it inch closer for weeks. It's been one year since my world changed. It's been 12 months since my family of four became a family of three. It's been 52 weeks of roller coasting. It's been 365 days of searching for my breath. I wrote about the day my husband/partner of 19 years announced the end
here.
This is an anniversary I never planned. But I will mark it. As much as I'd like this day to just quietly slip by, it won't... it's screaming at me from every calendar I chance to look at. Something died on 2/12/12, and it wasn't only my marriage, but my innocence and trust.
I had already lived a full life and never considered myself innocent, and definitely not gullible. But the amount of scandal, treachery, lies, and cruelty that I have endured and witnessed in this past year is enough to make any of my previous hardships look like a walk through the park. Some day soon I may tell you the whole unbelievable story. It desperately wants to pour out, so that its darkness doesn't have remain inside me anymore. I imagine its inky black shadows emerging in words that leave me free of all that's plagued me since my
husband ex turned into someone unrecognizable. Sometimes I think I've been stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up, these things don't really happen in real life... not to regular people. But they do. And I am awake.
And that ends up being the gift, actually. You know I'm always searching for them. So, here it is. I AM AWAKE! I've completed this first chapter. One year out. I'm legally separated. My two children are wounded, but well. We have the support of our community. I own our home. I know who I am. I still believe in beauty, magic and love. I'm making my way...
Take that February 12th!
I so admire your strength and ability to find the goodness around you. May your light continue to shine brightly!
ReplyDeletewarm regards~Michele
Thank you Michele.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that he did this just before Valentine's day was an omen of what was to come. Outrageous!
ReplyDeleteYou've made through this. Think how much better the rest of your life will be, now that this has been survived.
Thank you for acknowledging the Valentine's Day proximity. Yup.
DeleteCelebrating with you the strength of LOVE because 365 days later, here you are shining it bright and strong. Awake and as i see you, still full of trust for yourself and your children. As hard as it is to be betrayed by the actions of others, it says more about Their character, their doubt and rupture within themselves. That is what I am coming to understand: what happens to me is very personal, but in the end it rarely was because of who I am; rather, actions can be traced back to a long line of histories and woundedness spanning generations. Being Awake is the place to start - and from that space plant new seeds of Love and Respect and Trust and Honoring each other. My husband witnessed his parents break-up and it informed his deep commitment to communication, loyalty, respect and working hard on our relationship. My drive to nurture strong family bonds comes from my upbringing where we rarely spent anytime with each other.
ReplyDeleteI do think it is fitting that we've just begun a new year ... the year of the snake ... shedding what no longer serves us and leaving the old behind. A new beginning ... feels good to me! xo
I could read your words a thousand times, Lis. Thank you for your constant contribution here and in my life. xxx
Deletei just went to read the past story. when we gathered in our little cabin in the woods. i knew a little, but not much. and really not knowing you well i wanted to keep that space for you. and then here today seeing how you have grown and held onto that hope. it is such a gift to sit here and watch. your courage and mostly your zest for this simple life that i so adore.
ReplyDeleteps. of course the pictures of the chickens makes me half nauseous and giggle. i grew up on a little farm. my dad was a teacher and coach. my mom a homemaker and admin assistant. we lived off the land. seriously. a huge garden. a few farm animals and a creek that we skated on in the winter. i reallly didn't like living there. but the memories fill my present world with so many stories. but those chickens. gosh i hated them. i was so afraid of them and my siblings still laugh at me over my barnyard antics. so long story over, your images and stories take me back and such a gift to your own pixies.
xoxoxoxooxoxo. yes. take that feb 12! BAM!
You are a warrior goddess ~ that being said, through my own experiences with the shadow lands, I found that the most healing thing I did was to spill it out. Once it is outside of you it festers less and this allows for the healing to commence. Holding a space filled with healing light and prayers for you and your children.
ReplyDeletespilling vs. festering is definitely where I'm headed. Thank you for holding the space, Sheila.
DeleteA year is a significant milestone - you are so strong and your kids can not escape being wounded by life but you have shown them shining light and have been a beacon this past year. It is certain they have learned well. Congratulations. Now, what's next?
ReplyDeleteThank you deeply- it feels so good to hear this. Next? I'm such a planner, but honestly I'm living in the land of unfolding right now.
DeleteI don't know your whole story, but from what you've told already this sentence is amazing:" I still believe in beauty, magic and love."
ReplyDeleteI hope you see it as a testament to your strength, your goodness and your ability to see it all and still believe.
Wow.
Love to you today of all days.
I thank my family for this ability to believe. I never ever want to stop believing. That is the essence of honoring hope, no?
DeleteI keep thinking about the idea that as we progress and change, we rise up. This, by no fault of our own, in a way alienates us from those who can't/ have no desire/ refuse to keep up/ resent us for our desires. You have been on a path of up for ages now, and I am grateful to count you among my friends who I am constantly meeting on that same path upward and onward. You are good and wonderful and your children are blessed to have you as a mother. You will always make it.
ReplyDeleteOh sweet sister! I've thought about this a lot, but you articulated in your usual "wiser than your years" way. Here's to upward and onward together... with the people that celebrate that ability at our sides.
DeleteYou are making your way! And with such grace and openness and courage to boot! Maybe one day you will celebrate this day as the day you were set FREE.
ReplyDeleteI will aim for that, for sure.
Deletemuch love and healing, and for you, one of my favorite quotes: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
ReplyDelete-gretchen
yes, mine too. thank you gretchen for reminding me within this context.
DeleteI commend you for coming through the first year, I'm sure it was grueling! The best thing to say about it is that the first year is OVER! I agree with another comment that this celebrates a day in which you were set free, no matter how cruelly, from deceit.
ReplyDeletehere's to freedom!
Deleteholding you from afar and loving every bit of you and your bravery and your awakeness - you give me strength that I can't ever begin to thank you for. you got this, you did this, you survived and are still surviving while creating a loving, open space for your children. love you!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Love you, Stef! Can't wait for another trip to CA so we can eat tacos and talk deeply. You know, the good stuff.
DeleteMy year of pain started on June 19, 2012. I have since had my divorce finalized, but the healing process still has a long way to go and I do not look forward to the anniversary of when it all started. If anyone had told me what I was going to experience and endure in the past eight months, I never would've believed them. Totally inconceivable. It is amazing to be on the other side of it, but the wounds are still open. I send much love, strength and blessings for your future--which I am sure will be an amazing journey.
ReplyDeleteOh Allegra, that was so fast! Of course, your wounds are still open! Your words could be my own. I hope you'll continue to join me/us here. It's comforting to have a friend on such a similar time line.
DeleteMaya, honoring you while you honor hope. Just love this "I still believe in beauty, magic and love. I'm making my way...Take that February 12th!" You are such a brave and beautiful beauty <3
ReplyDeletethank you anna! one day at a time.
DeleteThank you for posting this up-date, Maya. My one year anniversary of my ex telling me it was over and the lies, deceptions, unkindness, and truths that have slowly seen light since then, is just a couple of months away. I try not to think about it and wish that it could go by unnoticed, but I know it won't. I'm happy to hear that you are alive and that you still believe in such goodness. I do as well and am so very grateful that there is a place for hope.
ReplyDeleteWhat a year it's been for so many of us. It's amazing (and often terrifying) to see what comes to light as time unfolds. I am writing to you on the day after, so to speak. I believe honoring this day... acknowledging it for what it is was one of the best things I've done. Whatever way you can find to mark it and put closure on the year is something I would gently suggest.
DeleteOh my goodness you are awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sarah.
DeleteI love you, Maya!
ReplyDeleteLove you right back. Your constant knowing smile has given me more strength than you might realize.
DeleteHonouring hope along with you, Maya. In the past several months since my unplanned single-hood happened, I have developed this weird--but sort of helpful--way of checking in with what matters most to me. Are my children healthy? Okay, good.
ReplyDeleteAm I? Check. Okay, so if I have to choose between being a single mother but having my health and my amazing children instead of the "perfect" nuclear family, so be it. We'll find a way to make a new kind of perfect, and we'll keep loving, and hugging, and finding ways to laugh along the way. Thank you for telling your story, and for helping many of us to work our way through our own. You've come through an awful time, and I wish you nothing but sweetness, laughter and peace.
Oh, I love that perspective Tracy. Yes- I will bring that into my daily practice, too.
DeleteThank you. I admire the courage and strength you have. I am honored to be a witness to your story, and feel it deeply in my heart as I have experienced some of the same. I am not the same person I was pre-craziness, I have learned so much about compassion and forgiveness, for myself and the rest eventually followed. I love your statement about being awake, what a gift! I can remember thinking that it was so unreal, my worst fear coming to life, but while in the midst, I was seeing clearer than I ever had! I had the full support of the universe with the dreams and amazing signs that came from nowhere! I know you are also fully supported this way, and it makes my heart happy to hear that you too still believe in love, beauty and magic! I send you and your little family a big warm hug from SoCal. In beauty, may your path unfold. Blessings...Sewa/Ericka
ReplyDelete"The full support of the universe with my dreams and amazing signs that came from nowhere!" Isn't it amazing that in the darkest and craziest of times we are given that gift... that power to see? Thank you for your warm CA hug on this icy morning- I send my blessings your way, too.
DeleteYou have a most beautiful heart Sweet Maya. Fitting that you are sharing what has been the most challenging and will help others heal too. You have fabulous children and have given them exactly what they need this year. You are all going to continue to thrive. Sending so much love. xo
ReplyDeleteYou have been here from the beginning, Kimm. Literally! Thank you.xo
DeleteAnniversaries are hard, and some more than so. The first, second, fifth and sixth anniversary of my rape all hit me very hard for very different reasons. Spill when you need to and continue to heal.
ReplyDeleteWe never do know how and when the memories will drown us again. Thank you for your perspective so that I will remember that I'm not alone when certain anniversaries overwhelm me more than others. I appreciate your invitation to spill... it's hard, but needed.
DeleteI think that is one of the hardest parts of any healing. Sometimes you have no idea when that MACK truck is going to come barreling down the road and run you over. Luckily, you get back up. A little worse for wear, but you do.
DeleteIt's so important to honor the anniversaries, to honor yourself for having lived through and moved through it all, to celebrate your strength and light and grieve for what all was lost. This is your truth, and you have a right to tell it, to shout it if it might add more healing and strength. I so admire how you are taking care of you and yours.
ReplyDeleteMmmmm. Thank you. Thank you.
DeleteThinking of you on this day, and often. We only met once (at SQUAM last year), but can't forget your sweet, gentle assistance in the freezer paper stencil class. You were so attentive, helpful and understanding. You even celebrated my birthday which happened to be on that day, while, on the inside you must have been trying to get control over a still fresh, unbearable pain. I will never forget that experience. You are an amazing person, and I feel honored to have met you.
ReplyDeleteAdel
Thank you Adel. Teaching and being at Squam are such sources of strength for me. That class was a very special one, indeed. Your gorgeous luna moth stencil will always be one of my favorite memories of it. I'll never forget the moment we realized that I had just shot the exact image you were looking. I tend to remember a lot, including your eyes when we all sang happy birthday to you, Adel.
DeleteBowing, bowing and appreciating your willingness to share, so vulnerably and courageously, both the dark and the light on your journey. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThe dark stuff is here for all of us... if we all felt more comfortable shining the light on it... maybe there would be less for us as (a collective) to hold.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
I think you will understand when I say that when your worst fears are realized you don't have to be afraid of it happening anymore, which is a release and gift in itself. You are free from it. I know how it feels to have your faith and trust gone (sucks) and the road is long when the pain keeps popping up to blindside you but Maya you are well equipped for the challenge. The love, light and hope that you are constantly giving out will pour all over your children when they are hurt and they will grow stonger and learn from your example how to bear life's detours. xo
ReplyDeleteAndrea, thank you. Kinder and more generous words couldn't be asked for.
DeleteYou are on your way!
ReplyDeleteMaya, there truly are no words that could ever comfort you in a time like this.
ReplyDeleteGiving yourself to another as we do when we get married, can be one of the most amazing and magical things in life, and as you now know, can also be the scariest, and unpredictable too.
Relying on someone else in life, means you are always open to being hurt, and of course open to being loved as well.
Without love, there would be no pain. We all know this. Too ask you if you would have had it any other way, is just not fair. Those years were wonderful for all they were, for your life together during that time, and mostly for the beautiful incredible gifts from god, your children.
I can only say that one thing everyone says in times like these, everything happens for a reason. But you know why everyone says that? I think truly because its true. We are not meant to understand why and how this universe works, but to trust that we are never in control, and that as long as tomorrow comes for us, and we are blessed with our health, that it's up to us to never take it for granted.
Each and every day MUST get better for you my dear, because you are strong, you are beautiful, you are worth it!!! Your children need you, and no matter what you must remember that despite what happened, TRUST is still so important in life, and so is LOVE..... I hope you find both again, and if not, then loving yourself is enough. You can make all your dreams come true, they just might need to be adjusted a little now. Look at it like a big adventure, LIFE is amazing!!
NEVER ever, let yourself think it was your fault, and bless your heart, never regret anything. You lived honestly, you loved, and you trusted, you believed in the magic that was there, and guess what, YOU are not the one who is missing out now, it's him. Karma has a way of working itself out, without any help from us. So let things work out as they will, and continue to be the amazing person you are, be there more than ever for your children, and they will be OK too, maybe even better because of it all. You never know :)
My heart aches for your pain, but it is temporary, you will feel better, and if your goal with sharing your story was to help at least ONE other person, I think you've done so much more than that. You have inspired and helped MANY, so thank you for your honesty, as painful as it was to share, I bet it's wonderful getting it off your chest.
Sending healing thoughts, and warmth your way.
Have a wonderful day, and stop by anytime to say hello if you can.
Hugs, Bella :)
Bella's 40 Day Challenge
Bella-
DeleteI've read and reread this so many times. I keep finding myself returning and wondering how to respond. Truly there are no word- just deep, deep gratitude.
Dear Maya,
ReplyDeleteThis post reminds me of some of my favorite words by Marge Piercy:
Waking is the sharpest pain I have ever known.
Every barrier that goes down takes part of my flesh
leaving me bloody. How can I live wide open?
Do you ever read poetry to help with the grief? It is one of the few things that can bring me solace, sometimes. That, and right now, reading your blog. :)
Jennie
What was I doing right before this? Reading poetry! Yes, words of others that have held such grief help me to feel less isolated in my own. Prose is wonderful, but poetry and lyrics to specific songs move me more deeply and comfort me more fully. I'm glad this place can bring you some comfort, Jennie. We are together... all of us in our pain and our joys. Love to you. Sending you peace to your dear heart.
DeleteThank you Maya. I think it is an amazing and courageous thing you are doing with this blog. You don't know how important it is for me to see that I am not alone in all of this. You see, I don't have the strong social support and care network you have, and I don't (sadly) have any children to bring me to the present. It is so easy to lose hold and fall into the grief when it is just me. I wish that some of your courage, hope, love, and healing will seep into my heart too. Thank you. So much gratitude for this space.
DeletePeace,
Jennie