The days of collapsing on the floor weeping seem farther away. Tears still come, but they are lessening. I have enough distance from those early days, weeks, months to have a bit of perspective. Thank goodness! I've been wondering what I would tell that newly broken open Maya if I could go back in time and hold her... pick her up and whisper in her ear some comfort that had experiential wisdom backing it?
"The pain feels unbearable right now, but you WILL bear it. The world will right itself and balance will be found. Food will have flavor again, flowers will bloom, and you will find laughter once more. But only if you don't hide from the feelings, no matter how overwhelming they are. Let them drown you and you will learn to swim."
But if you have a little distance between now and a difficult chapter, close your eyes and imagine your freshly wounded self. What would you say to her? What hope would you offer? Whisper it to yourself or write it down. Sharing it in the comments is always so welcome.
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
-Leonard Cohen from Anthem
I think it is this exact quote that I tell myself at these times:
ReplyDeleteThere is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
PERFECT
We have to have cracks so the light can stream in, sometimes we have to crack wide open and be flooded with light.
And to your tears:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
Gxx
Oh Galia, thank you for that Irving quote!
ReplyDeleteThe crack that opened light to me was allowing the beauty of Nature to be my healing power. Every day I seek what nature offers....the beauty of a soaring hawk above me, the majesty of a winter sunrise, fields full of wildflowers in the spring. Nature has been my comfort in times of sorrow and crisis...a constant reminder of hope for tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI would agree, Jinger. I also feel that it offers so much guidance simply by showing us its rhythm and growth.
DeleteIt is amazing how vividly I can recall those moments/days/weeks of grief, tears, loss of faith and direction ... I would tell That Woman (and I have done so many times since) "you feel like your heart is being torn apart and it is because as it mends it will be larger, vaster and ready to hold the immensity of what the Universe has in store for you. You weep over broken pieces of a dream, but what waits is a miracle of love greater than anything you could have ever imagined or wished for. So your tears are softening and preparing the soil of your heart for an immense Joy to planted within."
ReplyDeleteAnd she did ... my excellent seedling ... (MiaoLiang is my daughter's Chinese name, miao meaning seedling or sprout and she grew in my womb's twin - my heart.)
Lis, you always astound me with your clarity and beautiful word imagery. It's such a gift.
DeleteHere is a poem that I think you would like, about a lark mending our hearts ...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.publicartstpaul.org/poetry/poems10.html
Beautiful Bonnie- Thank you. Yes, I love that image.
DeleteSo, I was feeling a little "off" this morning and like most mornings, I decided to turn to you, Maya. After reading this piece, eyes filled with tears, I know that I came to the right place. I have never had a loss of love like yours, however I have felt loss...the loss of my mother only a few years ago. I have never really thought about going back and talking to the woman I was then. I have never been brave enough to look back too deeply at the primal pain I felt. You have given me pause to think about how far I have come in the journey of healing and how much further I still need to go. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJen, I'm sure that nothing can come compare to that primal pain of the loss of your own mother. I can understand not wanting to return to it, but perhaps if nothing else it will offer perspective. Much love to you.
DeleteThis is a quote from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran. I especially like the line where he says that the deeper the sorrow carves into your being the more joy it can contain. To me that line is full of hope.
ReplyDeleteThen a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Oh Annabelle! Yes, yes! It's been so long since I read The Prophet. Now is the time to dust if off. I will come back to this again and again, I'm sure. Thank you. And I agree, this line gives me the utmost hope:
DeleteThe deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
If I could speak to the young woman who lay on the living room floor sobbing beyond breath, to the woman who woke from nightmares shouting and in the morning was so heavy with bewilderment & misery she could barely drag herself from bed, to the woman who was *thisclose* to giving up on life entirely... to the me of four years ago, I would say, "You are so much stronger than you think, cliched as that sounds - you can handle this, and you will do so with courage and grace. Your life has so much more joy to offer - you simply cannot imagine how rich and wonderful and beautiful it will become.
ReplyDelete"This great sadness will not define you; it will become a stepping stone, and soon enough it will seem as though this all happened long, long ago. It won't hurt as much, and then it will hardly hurt at all, and then the pain will be such a distant memory that it no longer colors your days.
"You will have love again, oh so much love! And friendship, and travel, and happiness beyond anything you have known so far. And though I cannot tell you there will never be more pain, or that your trust will never again be betrayed, I can promise this:
"Looking back, it's all worth it."
Lori- what magnificent hope and wisdom you have offered us all. In only four years to have gained such perspective is amazing! I will take this to my heart and tuck it inside.
ReplyDeleteI would say "Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Even your biggest and most terrible mistakes are part of some crazy plan. You are going to have a couple of very difficult years, and encounter terrible new challenges that you never knew existed. But you will learn vital, necessary things, you will be released from old beliefs and habits. And one day you will wake up to a blessing that is beyond your wildest dreams...and the world will begin to look right to you again."
ReplyDeletePretty heavy, I know. But they were pretty desperate times :)
Hooray for the folks here who have come through so much. And sending love to the folks who are going through rough times right now!